I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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