guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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