I'm so fucking centered right now
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
