Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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