I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
