I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
