I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize