My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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