Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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