Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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