I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
