if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
