He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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