Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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