Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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