I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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