i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Couch. On fire.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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