thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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