Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
