so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
