True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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