even my farts smell like vagina
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I deserve this hangover.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
