Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
