I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
