I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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