Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
