i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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