it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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