Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
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