peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
