I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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