party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
