Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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