How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize