Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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