These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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