I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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