I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize