I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize