We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
