If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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