yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
