just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
