between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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