He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
