honey bunches of taint.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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