I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
