Welp...herpes.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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