He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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