Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize