Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
