Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
