Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
