My balls are so social today.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
