you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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