I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
