i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Randomize
