i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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