What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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