i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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