i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
