the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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